I’d been anxiously waiting on pay day for a little longer than I would have normally liked. So the second I saw the mulla in my bank account, I got straight into my car and headed not to a clothes store or makeup shop, but to Waterstones. Believe it or not, I actually relish in books just as much as I do my beauty products. I had been working on a little shopping list of books over the Christmas period and knew come January, they would be in my arms.
I would love to write a book myself some day, but I don’t actually have the kind of patience to put all those words down onto paper, and then try and make a story out of it. So instead, I sit, sometimes for hours at a time, getting lost in words of others.
One book, I had been meaning to ruddy pick up for months and months. Becoming by Laura Jane Williams. Laura, I have the pleasure of knowing through the realms of the internet and if this book was anything to go by what her blog consists of, then I knew it was going to be awesome. From what I knew of this lady before picking up her book, I already held her in high regard and I think she is a delightful character. I felt oddly proud when I saw she was now published. Oddly, only because I’ve never met this woman in the flesh. It was just as empowering nevertheless, to see her achieve and thrive, simply just by scrolling through her tweets and flicking through her Instagram posts, as one does.
I read the book in 3 days. I actually only finished it today and I just could not wait to sit down and tell you what I thought about it. I cried three times. Laughed. More than once I found myself in deep thought, because the words were uncomfortably relatable at times. This book struck a chord with me. For those of you who do not know what the book entails of, in a nutshell Laura gets gloriously shat on from above, by her first real love, and with a broken heart tries to find her way, the best way she can, and eventually she learns to love herself again. I am sure the words on these pages resonate with so many of us that have had our heart broken.
I personally, have never really had my heart broken. Never in the romantic sense anyway. I have always been the dumpee, rather than the one to be dumped. I get out first. The reason being, I struggle to love not only myself, but I really struggle to fully love another, to really let them in. I don’t allow myself to get hurt. I’ve been close to the edge, don’t get me wrong, but in those situations, I’ve always expected something bad to happen, I preempted an ending. When times are difficult with a loved one, I do every single god damn thing I can possibly do to push them away from me. I have to be in control. I’ve seen what broken hearts do to friends and it scares the life out of me.
There was a time I was single, in my late teens, very early twenties. I used to date three guys at one time. I was forever scrolling my phone to find my next dinner date. I had to have attention because I was absolutely useless at being by myself. I felt so very alone, even with all of my friends and family around me. I would purposely get bored, so that I would never feel attached, so I’d never be at risk.
The thing is, something I have only very recently come to terms with, having lost my Dad at 18, I was doing anything I could to feel loved. When I lost my Dad, I had never felt so empty, so alone. Isn’t it funny, as human beans, what we each individually do to make ourselves feel full again? Therefore, Becoming, in my own way, was a little window into my own emotions, just through another story, another life. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t the only one who was struggling.
I turn 28 this year in May. Admittedly, I am still struggling. I said in my 2016 reflections post, that this year will be the year I focus on my mental health and learning to love myself. Making myself whole. Reading this book reminded me that it is okay to not be okay, and in the end, we do find happiness. It was always there, within ourselves, we just forget sometimes.
Thanks Laura, for being such a mega babe and a wizard with words. I cannot wait for your second book to come out. You really are a proper legend m’love.
10 raving stars. Go and read this for yourselves. You won’t be disappointed.